Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Famous Positive Thinker Dies

SAN FRANCISCO - World reknown positive thinker Dr. Matthew Gibbes died earlier today, believed to have thought himself out of existence.

Dr. Gibbes was found dead in his San Francisco waterfront home after spending weeks in what friends in the positive thinking community refer to as 'a euphoric binge'.

According to notes left by Dr. Gibbes, his final weeks were spent meditating on the question of whether or not death could actually be as bad as it is commonly believed to be. A prolific writers, some of Gibbes' comments among his last weeks of scrawlings included "Death can't be as bad as all that" and "Death may very well even be better than life itself."

According to the coroner, Dr. Gibbes cannot have been poisoned or murdered - it seems as if he just simply died.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Faroe Islanders set to Become Majority by 2050

WELLINGTON - Demographers across the nation are intrigued by new data that suggests that the majority of New Zealand's population might be of Faroe Islandese descent by as early as 2050.

According to Statistics NZ, the resident population of New Zealanders with Faroe Islandese descent has remained stable for 25 years at one. The only variation to this count was a minor blip in 1986, when he was believed to be visiting friends in Australia at the time of the census.

However, last year the population of the Faroe Islandese community doubled in size when a woman from the Islands moved to New Zealand with her Kiwi husband. Resident BFST Demographer Dr. Hermann Hitler says that if this prodigious rate of growth is continued, most New Zealanders could be of Faroe Islandese descent by 2050.

"The situation at present is, with immigration from the Faroe Islands so massive, their population is doubling every year.

"In 2004 it was two. This year, it may already be four, next year eight. In eight years it will be over 500, and in 16 years there will be enough Faroe Islandese in this country to poulate a city the size of Nelson. In 20 years there will even be enough to populate a city the size of Christchurch."

New Zealand First Leader Winston Peters spoke to the BFST on this issue, saying his party had nothing against people from the Faroe Islands, but "If they are projected to come here in such great numbers, who is keeping tabs on them? Who will ensure that they will assimilate and contribute to Kiwi society instead of colonising us?"

The original Faroe Islander could not be contacted by the BFST, but it is believed that he is now living as a hermit near Lake Minerva in Fiordland National Park.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Man Born on Adjacent Island Revels in Open Glory

NELSON - Nelson born man Philip O'Toole expressed great happiness today upon receiving news of Wellingtonian Michael Campbell's victory in the US Golf Open.

"I'm rapt about the news. I am so proud." O'Toole said to the BFST. "It's so good to see one of our own make it to the top."

O'Toole was born in the South Island city of Blenheim, not more than 500km from Campbell's birthplace Hawera, on the North Island. The two Islands are part of the South Pacific country of New Zealand, and are separated by a narrow stretch of water known as the Cook Strait.

Resident BFST psychologist Dr. Paddy O'Malley believes that O'Toole's happiness, while not in itself harmful, is indicative of a pathological manner of thinking.

"O'Toole doesn't seem to realise that nothing he did or said influenced Campbell's victory in any way, shape or form, and therefore it is nonsensical to speak of pride for this achievement.

"Furthermore, O'Toole's happiness is predicated on an act of sheer chance, namely that Campbell was born on an island whose territory is claimed by the same state as that O'Toole himself was born on. For some reason this meaningless fluke has taken on great significance in the mind of the afflicted man."

Investigation showed that O'Toole has never met Campbell, nor are they related. Furthermore, none of their friends or family are in any way related.

When asked to explain the reasons for his joy at the rare Kiwi victory, O'Toole explained "Well it's always good to see one of us take on the world and win."

O'Malley says such bizarre arbitrary identifications are commonplace. "If the South and North Islands were seperate countries, O'Toole probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the news.

"This is just more evidence for what we psychologists have been trying to tell you all for 100 years: you're all completely freakin' insane."

Suicide Hotline for Nations Launched

NEW YORK - UN Secretary General Kofi Annan today unveiled a radical plan for the management of failed states and other disaster-stricken countries.

The plan calls for the creation of a suicide hotline that connects directly to a high-ranking secretary to Annan. This secretary will be extensively trained in psychology, with a focus on suicide prevention.

The hotline is to be used in cases of "impending or current national or cultural distaster similar to suicide." Any citizen of the affected country is allowed to call the hotline, whereupon the UN will investigate to see if national or cultural suicide is actually taking place. The 'suicide' must be self-originating, meaning that natural disasters will not be considered a valid reason to make the call.

Mark Rhodes, CEO of the online betting agency, says that his office has opened betting on which country will be the first to call the hotline.

It is expected that the first nations to call will be African ones that are descending into ethnic slaughter or moments of mass famine. Zimbabwe is tipped by some UN-watchers to be the first. Chechnya, the Sudan and Colombia are expected to be others at the front of the queue.

But Rhodes says a lot of money has been placed on France, "whose utterly failed immigration policies, almost total lack of work ethic, pitifully low birth rate and general inability to understand what's happening to them is likely to result in more than a few calls from scared and bewildered Frenchmen."

Go To Jail For Viewing Stolen Camera

WELLINGTON - In a stated effort to "normalise" the criminal code, Prime Minister Helen Clark has today announced plans to make the viewing of stolen goods a jailable offense.

Speaking from Wellington, Clark said that the criminalisation of the viewing of child pornography had forced the change.

"The viewing of child pornography was made into a criminal offense because of its potential encouragement of the production of more of the same.

"However, it is fundamentally unfair that the viewing and appreciation of the proceeds of crime can be criminalised in the case of child pornography, but not in other cases."

No proposed bill has yet been placed before Parliament, but the BFST understands that the viewing of stolen goods would become a criminal offense under the new law. It is believed that showing an appreciation of the goods in question would increase the likelihood of a stronger sentence. Evidence from this comes from a possible interpretation of a comment made by Clark, where she said that "Someone who views, for example, a stolen video camera, and displays appreciation and enjoyment of the viewing, is not the same as somebody who just chances upon the item."

ACT MP Rodney Hide disagreed with the proposed law, saying that "Victimless crimes should not be punishable by jail time in non-Communist countries such as New Zealand."