Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Aliens Believed To Be Holding Bill Gates Ransom

WASHINGTON - The United States Department of Homeland Security is investigating reports that an alien race may have captured software mogul Bill Gates and is holding him ransom at an off-planet location.

A memo leaked to the New York Times suggests that aliens may have taken Gates from his home in California, perhaps by means of a technology unknown to mankind. At no point in the past week has Gates been seen at his office in Redwood, nor has he fulfilled any of his speaking engagements during this time.

The memo says that if the aliens' demands are not met, they will "Randomly remove words, at the rate of one word per Earth week, from all Microsoft Word documents, the size of the words being at our discretion."

The BFST extra-terrestrial life forms expert Dr. Leanne Smith says that the aliens probably observed Earth for a number of months in order to determine which Earthling was the supreme leader, and would have chosen Gates due to his superior wealth. "Alien life forms have a habit of overvaluing wealth at the expense of other, more human things such as personal contacts and friendships."

"They would have chosen Gates over Bush or Greenspan because for them it's hard to understand the nature of the power that Bush and Greenspan command. Theirs is more in the fields of laws and regulations and friends."

As of yet it is unclear if the aliens have made any demands. Dr. Smith says that alien kidnapping incidents tend to involve medical experimentation rather than ransom, as aliens have little or no use for the physical items which mankind tends to value.

The BFST will update the story as soon as news reaches us.


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