Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

"Defender of the Nation's Footpaths" Meets Violent End

CHRISTCHURCH - Canterbury police have yet another homicide inquiry on their hands with the discovery of the body of Terrence Hill, 52, in the central city early this morning.

Hill, also known as "The Defender of the Nation's Footpaths", was an unemployed vagrant who frequented the central city north of the square, harassing those who he considered undesirable. Cyclists were the main target of his frustrated wrath, although school-age children came in for frequent abuse. His badly beaten body was discovered by a passing motorist shortly after midnight.

Hill was arrested in 2003 when the parents of one 13-year old boy made a complaint after Hill allegedly abused their child in Victoria Square, and threatened to 'frogmarch' him back to school. The boy was on school holiday at the time.

Although he escaped charges for that incident in exchange for a promise to not talk to school-age children in public, Hill soon was back in the streets harassing adults. Proprietors of local tourism stores considered him a menace.

"We called him 'The Nutter'," says Jimmy Wang, owner of Stuff! OK!, a gift shop and long-term storage agency in central Christchurch. "He'd always be out here, telling tourists that they were dressed inappropriately, or that they shouldn't be spending money on crap, and things like that.

"I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but I'm happy we got rid of the bastard."

In his last few weeks, Hill had taken to loitering on the edge of Victoria Square, on the other side of Colombo Street from the Copthorne Hotel. Here he could harangue and lecture cyclists that cycled on the footpath after exiting from the Square. Sources say that he enjoyed reminding cyclists that they were breaking the law by cycling on the footpath, and sometimes he would stand in their path until they dismounted.

Police say that this obstructive behaviour may have led to his brutal murder, and would like to speak to anyone that may have witnessed a confrontation involving Hill.


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