Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Loserdom Increases 17%; Health Experts Alarmed

WELLINGTON - Some sectors of the Government were sent scrambling today by news that loserdom in New Zealand has increased 17% since the same time last year.

A report commissioned by the Ministry of Health said that factors such as social retardation, obesity, chronically bad luck, lack of willpower, poor hand-eye coordination, getting dressed by ones parents, and having little or no chance of creating a better life for oneself were on the rise. 60% of the increase could be explained by these factors, among others, worsening since 2004, whereas the other 40% was due to an increase in the absolute number of people classed as losers.

Tourism Minister Mark Burton said the results were worrying. "Our tourism receipts depend partly on our image as a 'cool' country, full of adventurous outdoorsy people. This latest survey could have a damaging effect on that self-image if it were to become widely known."

The Ministry of Health report said that a number of possible reasons had been suggested to explain the alarming rise in loserdom, such as massive increase in Internet usage and videogaming, 'pussification' of the education system due to an appalling lack of male teachers, and general excessive concern for physical well-being at the expense of meaningful experience. The major factor, however, was believed to be the 'force and meaninglessness' of contemporary Western pop culture. "It is not hard to imagine," the report states in its conclusion, "how malleable minds exposed to this excrement will begin to show characteristics commonly associated with loserdom."

The report highlighted recent trends, such as the continual lowering of the maximum height allowed on childrens playground equipment, as contributing to the development.

Labour MP John Tamihere said that he wasn't surprised by the findings, saying that "A wave of PC has been decending upon this land for 20 years, turning everything it touches into a vegetable-eating, soccer-playing, bunch of homosexuals."

Prime Minister Helen Clark declined to comment to the BFST, but sources close to her say that upon recieving news of the report she emitted a crazed, mad-scientist cackle, and mumbled "Excellent..."


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