Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at: bfstblog@gmail.com

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Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Faroe Islanders set to Become Majority by 2050

WELLINGTON - Demographers across the nation are intrigued by new data that suggests that the majority of New Zealand's population might be of Faroe Islandese descent by as early as 2050.

According to Statistics NZ, the resident population of New Zealanders with Faroe Islandese descent has remained stable for 25 years at one. The only variation to this count was a minor blip in 1986, when he was believed to be visiting friends in Australia at the time of the census.

However, last year the population of the Faroe Islandese community doubled in size when a woman from the Islands moved to New Zealand with her Kiwi husband. Resident BFST Demographer Dr. Hermann Hitler says that if this prodigious rate of growth is continued, most New Zealanders could be of Faroe Islandese descent by 2050.

"The situation at present is, with immigration from the Faroe Islands so massive, their population is doubling every year.

"In 2004 it was two. This year, it may already be four, next year eight. In eight years it will be over 500, and in 16 years there will be enough Faroe Islandese in this country to poulate a city the size of Nelson. In 20 years there will even be enough to populate a city the size of Christchurch."

New Zealand First Leader Winston Peters spoke to the BFST on this issue, saying his party had nothing against people from the Faroe Islands, but "If they are projected to come here in such great numbers, who is keeping tabs on them? Who will ensure that they will assimilate and contribute to Kiwi society instead of colonising us?"

The original Faroe Islander could not be contacted by the BFST, but it is believed that he is now living as a hermit near Lake Minerva in Fiordland National Park.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Man Born on Adjacent Island Revels in Open Glory

NELSON - Nelson born man Philip O'Toole expressed great happiness today upon receiving news of Wellingtonian Michael Campbell's victory in the US Golf Open.

"I'm rapt about the news. I am so proud." O'Toole said to the BFST. "It's so good to see one of our own make it to the top."

O'Toole was born in the South Island city of Blenheim, not more than 500km from Campbell's birthplace Hawera, on the North Island. The two Islands are part of the South Pacific country of New Zealand, and are separated by a narrow stretch of water known as the Cook Strait.

Resident BFST psychologist Dr. Paddy O'Malley believes that O'Toole's happiness, while not in itself harmful, is indicative of a pathological manner of thinking.

"O'Toole doesn't seem to realise that nothing he did or said influenced Campbell's victory in any way, shape or form, and therefore it is nonsensical to speak of pride for this achievement.

"Furthermore, O'Toole's happiness is predicated on an act of sheer chance, namely that Campbell was born on an island whose territory is claimed by the same state as that O'Toole himself was born on. For some reason this meaningless fluke has taken on great significance in the mind of the afflicted man."

Investigation showed that O'Toole has never met Campbell, nor are they related. Furthermore, none of their friends or family are in any way related.

When asked to explain the reasons for his joy at the rare Kiwi victory, O'Toole explained "Well it's always good to see one of us take on the world and win."

O'Malley says such bizarre arbitrary identifications are commonplace. "If the South and North Islands were seperate countries, O'Toole probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the news.

"This is just more evidence for what we psychologists have been trying to tell you all for 100 years: you're all completely freakin' insane."

Suicide Hotline for Nations Launched

NEW YORK - UN Secretary General Kofi Annan today unveiled a radical plan for the management of failed states and other disaster-stricken countries.

The plan calls for the creation of a suicide hotline that connects directly to a high-ranking secretary to Annan. This secretary will be extensively trained in psychology, with a focus on suicide prevention.

The hotline is to be used in cases of "impending or current national or cultural distaster similar to suicide." Any citizen of the affected country is allowed to call the hotline, whereupon the UN will investigate to see if national or cultural suicide is actually taking place. The 'suicide' must be self-originating, meaning that natural disasters will not be considered a valid reason to make the call.

Mark Rhodes, CEO of the online betting agency sirbetalot.com, says that his office has opened betting on which country will be the first to call the hotline.

It is expected that the first nations to call will be African ones that are descending into ethnic slaughter or moments of mass famine. Zimbabwe is tipped by some UN-watchers to be the first. Chechnya, the Sudan and Colombia are expected to be others at the front of the queue.

But Rhodes says a lot of money has been placed on France, "whose utterly failed immigration policies, almost total lack of work ethic, pitifully low birth rate and general inability to understand what's happening to them is likely to result in more than a few calls from scared and bewildered Frenchmen."

Go To Jail For Viewing Stolen Camera

WELLINGTON - In a stated effort to "normalise" the criminal code, Prime Minister Helen Clark has today announced plans to make the viewing of stolen goods a jailable offense.

Speaking from Wellington, Clark said that the criminalisation of the viewing of child pornography had forced the change.

"The viewing of child pornography was made into a criminal offense because of its potential encouragement of the production of more of the same.

"However, it is fundamentally unfair that the viewing and appreciation of the proceeds of crime can be criminalised in the case of child pornography, but not in other cases."

No proposed bill has yet been placed before Parliament, but the BFST understands that the viewing of stolen goods would become a criminal offense under the new law. It is believed that showing an appreciation of the goods in question would increase the likelihood of a stronger sentence. Evidence from this comes from a possible interpretation of a comment made by Clark, where she said that "Someone who views, for example, a stolen video camera, and displays appreciation and enjoyment of the viewing, is not the same as somebody who just chances upon the item."

ACT MP Rodney Hide disagreed with the proposed law, saying that "Victimless crimes should not be punishable by jail time in non-Communist countries such as New Zealand."

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Rumsfeld Upsets Western European Allies

BERLIN - US Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld has once again upset America's European allies with a statement made at a lunch with various NATO leaders today.

Rumsfeld was answering questions from the press when a reporter asked him if he had any explanation for the sometimes ambivalous attitude of America's right towards Europe.

Rumsfeld responded "America and Europe are like a family, a big Western family. "Europe is like America's older brother. The problem that America has, is that Europe is like a junkie brother. It lies in the gutter of its decline, with its shirtfront stained by the vomit of its laziness, its arm pierced by the hypodermic needle of not having enough children.

"And our brotherly love for this pathetic being soon turns to frustration at its self-harm and unwillingness to help itself rise from its deplorable state, which leads to us not being sure if we should help it or kick its head in."

Rumsfeld's lyrical waxing was met by quiet murmurs of disapproval. He quickly tried to play down the effects of his words, by adding "at least that's how some on the right think. Not everyone.

"I think it scares them how Europe can be committing demographic suicide with so little official concern."

US President George W. Bush, upon hearing of Rumsfeld's comments, said "I know Donald feels quite strongly about this issue and has expressed himself in no uncertain terms. That's up to him."

Back in America, Rumsfeld said of the minor controversy over his remarks: "It ought to be remembered that our hatred for Europe is born of brotherly love. Except for the French, who we just hate."

Vampires Vote Daytime Most Overrated Natural Phenomenon

SOFIA - A secretive gathering of vampires in the Bulgarian capital of Sofia has elected daytime as Planet Earth's most overrated natural phenomenon.

The gathering is believed to occur only once every thirteen years and is shrouded in secrecy in an effort to avoid protesters and fanatical peasants armed with farming implements.

Little is known about the agenda of such gatherings, but it believed by some vampire watchdogs that vampires have embarked on a PR campaign to improve their image as homicidal non-human monsters.

This week's vampire gathering created a list of the world's most overrated natural phenomena. This list was contained in a signed, hand-written statement released to the press by an individual believed to be a high-ranking vampire insider.

Unsurprisingly, daytime headed the list. The scrawlings next to this point at the top of the list read "We can't understand why non-undead humans care so much about daytime! They do so much during the day, anyone would think they preferred it! The daytime is not only bad for your health, with the deletorious effects of sunlight and UV rays, but it is very bad for hunting."

The BFST's resident paranormal expert Viktor von Klagenfurt believes that the tone of the statement is indicative of a deliberate PR strategy.

"The attempted humerous tone seems to reflect a wish on the part of the vampires to present a kinder, gentler image to humans and their other victims. The phrase 'non-undead humans' is probably intended to imply a kind of solidarity between vampires and humans."

von Klagenfurt expects that the PR drive will result in failure. "People's beliefs and fears of vampires have been ingrained in them over a thousand years at least. A few poorly worded jokes aren't likely to change that."

Other phenomena on the list included rainbows, solar eclipses, the spring equinox and supernovae.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

India and Pakistan Return to Brink of War

ISLAMABAD/ NEW DELHI - World leaders are on alert tonight as it appears that India and Pakistan have returned to the brink of war. US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is said to be on her way to South Asia to meet with Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf and Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in the hopes if starting talks to defuse the tensions.

Reports from several sources say that the renewed tensions originate from when a drunken Indian border guard near Lahore jeered to his Pakistani counterpart that popular cricketer Shaoib Ahktar was "a chucker", meaning cheater.

The Pakistanis are reported to have responded by throwing stones and cricket equipment at the Indians, who were then removed from the scene by their commanders while the border was temporarily closed.

News of the incident quickly filtered up the hierarchy on both sides of the border. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf apparently became livid upon hearing of the incident, saying "How could anyone not realise that Harbajhan Singh is the biggest chucker in the world!"

Not long after Musharraf's outburst, he received a phone call from the Indian Prime Minister, who teased him about the Pakistani team's fourth placed ranking, one below India, in the ICC Test Championship. Singh is believed to have teased him about being tied with Sri Lanka on 100 points.

Musharraf is said to have retorted that the gap between India and Pakistan was greater in the ICC One-Day International Championship, where India is currently ranked seventh to Pakistan's fifth. It is also said that Musharraf concluded the conversation with "And just as One-Dayers are the more modern form of the game, it follows that Pakistan would be better at them, since we are the more modern country."

Singh's response was filmed in a speech to the Indian people and broadcast on national television, where he decried "The Pakistanis are no better than their pea-hearted hero, the chucker Akhtar."

Musharraf responded on national radio with the jibe "Singh is just another in a line of corrupt Indian leaders, just like Azharuddin." Mohammed Azharuddin was a former Indian cricket captain who was banned from the game for corruption amid match-fixing allegations.

In response to this, Singh placed the Indian Army and Air Force on Red Alert, a move followed by Musharraf minutes later. US President George W. Bush is optimistic that a solution to the crisis can be reached. "The Pakistanis and Indians have something special in common - passion for one of the world's great sports."

In an interesting twist of fate, commentators who so recently praised the role of cricket in thawing the relations between these two south Asian powers are now finding themselves condemning it.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

All Blacks to be Renamed Pacific Lions

WELLINGTON - In a move sure to be met with the revulsion of rugby purists everywhere, the New Zealand rugby team, currently known as the All Blacks, will be renamed the Pacific Lions at a ceremony later this month.

A statement from the NZRFU said "In these global times, even the oldest traditions have to be brought up to date. The All Blacks can no longer be considered to represent only New Zealand, as a number of top-level Pacific rugby players have chosen, for reasons totally unrelated to money, to play for a New Zealand side.

"The NZRFU cannot pretend that players such as Sitiveni Sitivatu, born and raised in Fiji as he was, are New Zealanders. Therefore, the team name must be changed in order to reflect the people the team is representing."

Welsh journalist and professional aggravator Stephen Jones has already written a mocking column on the move, pointing out that "The New Zealand Maori are now more European than the team representing New Zealand proper, whatever name they might go by."

Green MP Keith Locke welcomed the move, saying it was 'long overdue' and that "only racists and bigots could possibly oppose this hand of friendship towards our Pacific brethren."

British and Irish Lions coach Sir Clive Woodward also welcomed the move, but with the sarcastic rejoinder that "I'm happy that in New Zealand, as well as in Britain, a spade is also called a spade. But we will not be interested in that, we're only thinking about the Otago game."

Sources close to NZRFU President Jack Hobbs say that the move may be a cunning marketing ploy to build hysteria around the 'Lions' concept in time for the three-test series between the British and Irish Lions and a team representing an as of yet unknown amalgamation of South Pacific islands beginning in Christchurch on June 25.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Solipsists Happier Than Normal People

MONTREAL - Psychologists have discovered that people adhering to the philosophy of solipsism are on average significantly more happy than people who take the existence of others on face value.

Solipsism is, put crudely, the belief that the self is the only real thing. The solipsist may consider himself to be the only thinking creature in a world of organic automatons, or that other humans are simply a projection of his own being.

The research behind this finding was led by Dr. Francois Haultain, who himself claims to be 'unsurprised' by the results.

Other findings from the study, which interviewed 1,500 people from a variety of philosophical backgrounds, include: solipsists tend to have lower blood pressure, better health at advanced ages, and a higher psychological resilience against stresses and traumas.

"What better way to create a sense of revenge against the annoyances and arrogances of your fellow man then by refusing to believe in their very existence? If no one else really exists, if they are just projections of your own mind, then it is pointless to become angry at them."

Dr. Haultain said that there was weak evidence for a correlation between hatred of all human beings and a tendency towards solipsism. "I think solipsism may be a kind of defense mechanism for people who are frustrated with the unending, mindboggling stupidity that is a constant feature of humanity. Solipsism gives these people a way of making this stupidity seem less threatening."

The findings have been condemned by a wide range of religious authorities, including the Pope, who claimed that the research "is a beachhead for nihilism in the war against humanity."

Dr. Haultain responded to the Pope's condemnation with "Solipsism is very similar to religious thought in that it gives people a philosophical escape from the horrors of everyday existence. I guess the Pope just doesn't want any competitors."

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

One Legged Man Wins Arse-Kicking Contest

NELSON - Unemployed Dannevirke amputee Sven Nilsson has made Arse-Kicking history this afternoon by becoming the first one-legged man to win an internationally recognised arse-kicking contest.

The Nelson leg of the National Arse-Kicking Tournament came down to a vicious final between Nilsson and the winner of the Auckland and Invercargill legs, Daniel Tamihere. Nilsson, who represents the New Zealand Paralympics team in weightlifting, lost on the criteria of applied force but won on style and entertainment value.

The losing finalist Tamihere gave credit to Nilsson, saying he had never expected to meet his match in a one-legged man. In his defense, Tamihere did point out that the Nelson tournament is unusual in that it places more emphasis on the style and entertainment criteria. "In Auckland, and in most places up North the applied force makes or breaks you.

"But full credit to Sven, this was a different playing field and he adapted better. I hope we'll meet again in the next round in Whangarei."

Nilsson said that his strategy was based around the Sunshine City's unique criteria. "I knew I could never beat Tamihere in A.F. [applied force] but if I played up the one-legged aspect I might take him out on style."

After ten rounds, Tamihere is leading the Sony Ericsson New Zealand Arse-Kickers League with 127 points. Nilsson, despite his surprise win in Nelson, is coming eighth on 59.

The New Zealand League of Arse-Kickers claim on their website, arsekickinglife.co.nz, that Nilsson's achievement is all the greater as New Zealand has an international reputation as home to some of the world's toughest proponents of the sport.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

World Condemns Latest Israeli Atrocity

NEW YORK - World leaders gathered at UN headquarters today to condemn the latest atrocity committed by Israeli troops against Palestinian civilians.

Reports from Jerusalem say that an Israeli sergeant was seen taking a lollipop from a Palestinian child near the center of the city.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan called the act "a grave mistake" and "another step backwards in the peace process". He admonished the Israeli government for their lack of foresight, saying that "When deeds such as these are carried out under the eyes of Israeli leaders, these leaders should know that history will not be kind to them."

The act met with instantaneous and widespread disapproval from all the nations of the world. The Heads of State of 47 countries wrote letters to Israeli president Ariel Sharon expressign their profound disgust, and imploring him to reign in the extremists within the Israeli Army.

Arab nations were not so diplomatic. A statement by the Arab League in response to the deed said "This brutal and vicious act has not gone unnoticed by the suffering peoples of the Arab lands. It is an example of the outrageous criminality of the Jew. He should know that his blood will run in the desert sand before long."

In Ramallah, Palestinian mobs burned American flags and effigies of Ariel Sharon.

French President Jacques Chirac also spoke to the UN delegates, saying that "This appalling crime will last for decades as a black mark upon the Israeli people."

Most major media devoted full coverage to the event. In the day's other news, it was reported that the absolute number of people with HIV in India has been estimated by a government survey to exceed 10,000,000, and that expert climatologists at Dundee University in Britain believe that the Gulf Stream may shut off by 2020, rendering Northern Europe uninhabitable.