Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Man Born on Adjacent Island Revels in Open Glory

NELSON - Nelson born man Philip O'Toole expressed great happiness today upon receiving news of Wellingtonian Michael Campbell's victory in the US Golf Open.

"I'm rapt about the news. I am so proud." O'Toole said to the BFST. "It's so good to see one of our own make it to the top."

O'Toole was born in the South Island city of Blenheim, not more than 500km from Campbell's birthplace Hawera, on the North Island. The two Islands are part of the South Pacific country of New Zealand, and are separated by a narrow stretch of water known as the Cook Strait.

Resident BFST psychologist Dr. Paddy O'Malley believes that O'Toole's happiness, while not in itself harmful, is indicative of a pathological manner of thinking.

"O'Toole doesn't seem to realise that nothing he did or said influenced Campbell's victory in any way, shape or form, and therefore it is nonsensical to speak of pride for this achievement.

"Furthermore, O'Toole's happiness is predicated on an act of sheer chance, namely that Campbell was born on an island whose territory is claimed by the same state as that O'Toole himself was born on. For some reason this meaningless fluke has taken on great significance in the mind of the afflicted man."

Investigation showed that O'Toole has never met Campbell, nor are they related. Furthermore, none of their friends or family are in any way related.

When asked to explain the reasons for his joy at the rare Kiwi victory, O'Toole explained "Well it's always good to see one of us take on the world and win."

O'Malley says such bizarre arbitrary identifications are commonplace. "If the South and North Islands were seperate countries, O'Toole probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid at the news.

"This is just more evidence for what we psychologists have been trying to tell you all for 100 years: you're all completely freakin' insane."


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