Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

One Legged Man Wins Arse-Kicking Contest

NELSON - Unemployed Dannevirke amputee Sven Nilsson has made Arse-Kicking history this afternoon by becoming the first one-legged man to win an internationally recognised arse-kicking contest.

The Nelson leg of the National Arse-Kicking Tournament came down to a vicious final between Nilsson and the winner of the Auckland and Invercargill legs, Daniel Tamihere. Nilsson, who represents the New Zealand Paralympics team in weightlifting, lost on the criteria of applied force but won on style and entertainment value.

The losing finalist Tamihere gave credit to Nilsson, saying he had never expected to meet his match in a one-legged man. In his defense, Tamihere did point out that the Nelson tournament is unusual in that it places more emphasis on the style and entertainment criteria. "In Auckland, and in most places up North the applied force makes or breaks you.

"But full credit to Sven, this was a different playing field and he adapted better. I hope we'll meet again in the next round in Whangarei."

Nilsson said that his strategy was based around the Sunshine City's unique criteria. "I knew I could never beat Tamihere in A.F. [applied force] but if I played up the one-legged aspect I might take him out on style."

After ten rounds, Tamihere is leading the Sony Ericsson New Zealand Arse-Kickers League with 127 points. Nilsson, despite his surprise win in Nelson, is coming eighth on 59.

The New Zealand League of Arse-Kickers claim on their website,, that Nilsson's achievement is all the greater as New Zealand has an international reputation as home to some of the world's toughest proponents of the sport.


Anonymous PA to Karate KId said...

Sound like Karate Kid has to watch out if he ever comes to New Zulland from Japan, where he is currently training.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Lucky Strike said...

Karate Kid would get slaughtered. The Japs would do much better by sending a sumo wrestler or something like that.

3:53 PM  

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