Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at: bfstblog@gmail.com

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A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Suicide Hotline for Nations Launched

NEW YORK - UN Secretary General Kofi Annan today unveiled a radical plan for the management of failed states and other disaster-stricken countries.

The plan calls for the creation of a suicide hotline that connects directly to a high-ranking secretary to Annan. This secretary will be extensively trained in psychology, with a focus on suicide prevention.

The hotline is to be used in cases of "impending or current national or cultural distaster similar to suicide." Any citizen of the affected country is allowed to call the hotline, whereupon the UN will investigate to see if national or cultural suicide is actually taking place. The 'suicide' must be self-originating, meaning that natural disasters will not be considered a valid reason to make the call.

Mark Rhodes, CEO of the online betting agency sirbetalot.com, says that his office has opened betting on which country will be the first to call the hotline.

It is expected that the first nations to call will be African ones that are descending into ethnic slaughter or moments of mass famine. Zimbabwe is tipped by some UN-watchers to be the first. Chechnya, the Sudan and Colombia are expected to be others at the front of the queue.

But Rhodes says a lot of money has been placed on France, "whose utterly failed immigration policies, almost total lack of work ethic, pitifully low birth rate and general inability to understand what's happening to them is likely to result in more than a few calls from scared and bewildered Frenchmen."

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