Bovine Free State Times

The BFST is a centrist arena for the slaughtering of sacred cows. Its purpose is to use satire to make clear the absurdity of many facets of the world that we live in. It exists to spread the memes of cheerful nihilism, which Lucky Strike believes is the only rational way to approach life on Earth. Email us abuse and/or suggestions at:

Location: New Zealand

A bipedal primate whose cognitive capacities are insuffient to answer the questions that are generated by life on Earth.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Vampires Vote Daytime Most Overrated Natural Phenomenon

SOFIA - A secretive gathering of vampires in the Bulgarian capital of Sofia has elected daytime as Planet Earth's most overrated natural phenomenon.

The gathering is believed to occur only once every thirteen years and is shrouded in secrecy in an effort to avoid protesters and fanatical peasants armed with farming implements.

Little is known about the agenda of such gatherings, but it believed by some vampire watchdogs that vampires have embarked on a PR campaign to improve their image as homicidal non-human monsters.

This week's vampire gathering created a list of the world's most overrated natural phenomena. This list was contained in a signed, hand-written statement released to the press by an individual believed to be a high-ranking vampire insider.

Unsurprisingly, daytime headed the list. The scrawlings next to this point at the top of the list read "We can't understand why non-undead humans care so much about daytime! They do so much during the day, anyone would think they preferred it! The daytime is not only bad for your health, with the deletorious effects of sunlight and UV rays, but it is very bad for hunting."

The BFST's resident paranormal expert Viktor von Klagenfurt believes that the tone of the statement is indicative of a deliberate PR strategy.

"The attempted humerous tone seems to reflect a wish on the part of the vampires to present a kinder, gentler image to humans and their other victims. The phrase 'non-undead humans' is probably intended to imply a kind of solidarity between vampires and humans."

von Klagenfurt expects that the PR drive will result in failure. "People's beliefs and fears of vampires have been ingrained in them over a thousand years at least. A few poorly worded jokes aren't likely to change that."

Other phenomena on the list included rainbows, solar eclipses, the spring equinox and supernovae.


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